the story is headlined “Giants fan swears by his lucky boxers” written in deadpan journalese. the team’s losing streak ended after one damon hobbs, of queens, bought a pair of giants boxer shorts and started watching the games on TV wearing nothing else.
clearly, this is a strategy that works. all that’s left is to determine which undies apply to which candidate.
fortunately, some are obvious. obama is clearly a silk boxer short type of a guy, and for good measure i guess you may as well get them in black. 100% silk, mind you, none of those blends.
for john edwards, in his campaign against big corporations, go with a boutique approach and buy something handmade in a local shop. they may cost as much as one of his haircuts, but go for it, this election is important.
i have two suggestions for hillary. if you like her, as so many sadly seem to do, then victoria’s secret is a clear choice, but nothing too fancy, nothing red or ruffled or see-through. cotton crotch, naturally — she is a sensible woman. i’m thinking cream-colored high-cut briefs, not bikinis, for her.
if you don’t like hillary, and if you like both obama and edwards enough to hope that one of them, either one of them, beats her, then go with a monica lewinsky memorial thong, preferably from fredericks of hollywood.
now for the republicans.
john mccain calls for bondagewear, the more uncomfortable the better. if it looks and feels like something that might be utilized in a prison camp, you’ve found the right thing. visit a local sex shop for this kind of gear, they don’t tend to carry it at macy’s.
giuliani merits fire-engine-red boxers covered with 9/11 logos. (oh, you didn’t know 9/11 was a brand? giuliani holds the patent.)
huckabee, that rock star who wasn’t, gets fluorescent low-cut bikinis. think jagger and bono. sew on a few crosses for good measure.
it’s hard to tell the rest of them apart. rule of thumb for republicans is just to wear a girdle, something very uncomfortable and very old-fashioned. that’s the ticket.
and don’t forget to thank mr. hobbs.
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