OBAMA UNVEILS SECESSION PLAN [a guest post]

by George Held on May 16, 2009

Washington, May 11, 2009, (INS). President B. Hussein Obama announced today that he is sending to Congress a draft resolution declaring that the United States will secede from The South on July 4, 2009. This action, he stressed, would prevent a recurrence of The South’s seceding from the Union as it did in 1861.

“Governor Perry of Texas and other Southern officials have already declared their interest in secession, and we must not permit them to rend asunder our more perfect union. Instead, we freely grant them their independence and wish them well without all the tax dollars they receive from Washington.”

The President was alluding to the fact that most Southern states receive more tax dollars from the federal government than they pay. Mr. Obama added that without The South, the U.S. will redistribute tax dollars more equitably to the states that have long felt the Southern albatross around their necks.

redneck-mansion1In addition, the President offered a list of other common-sense benefits of the nation’s secession from The South. Among them are guaranteeing women’s rights over their own bodies, including their reproductive organs; re-establishing the traditional wall between church and state; including gay rights in every area of civic life, including matrimony and the military (The Two M’s); designating Hollywood as the site of the western White House, and adding Mr. Obama’s face to Mount Rushmore, but not before he leaves office.

On the touchy issue of the U.S.-South Border, the President gave tacit approval of Gov. Perry’s intention to build a wall along it similar to the one being built along Texas’ border with Mexico in order to preserve the purity of the white race in The South.

“Our non-conforming citizens of all races and religions will have 30 days to pledge to abide by local custom in The New South,” Gov. Perry said in his response to Pres. Obama, “or to move north at the President’s invitation. We’ll show him what a more perfect union is. Remember the Alamo!”

A spokesperson for the White House replied, “We hope that Gov. Perry and his supporters will also remember that Texans lost the Battle of the Alamo.”

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{ 5 comments }

jan May 17, 2009 at 9:11 am

Love it George!! let those people go !!! J

Pete Grossman May 17, 2009 at 9:29 am

Brilliant, Mr. Held! Your last line wraps it up perfectly! Do we really want idiots who, after all these years, consider a devastating loss their creed? Send’em south already and good riddens :-D .

Pete Grossmans last blog post..Scorsese Casting Adrian Grenier as Sinatra

Collin May 18, 2009 at 7:05 pm

Where do I apply for my visa to get out of the south before all this goes down?

George May 18, 2009 at 8:05 pm

Collin:
We hope you’ll stay, as secret agent, and bore from within.

Bill Britton May 20, 2009 at 9:31 am

George,

I was hoping that this piece was an actual news story, but then, I now live in the South, at least geographically, so I’d have to give secession some more thought.

We have been camping along the coast, from FL to NC. Right now we’re on the way back to FL with a stay in Myrtle Beach, among others. The license plate in the campsite directly opposite reads, “Jesus.” If it is the original saviour, perhaps he’s here to save me, although he would have difficulty laying hands on me in the presence of Toby, my Jack Russell terrier. I’ll keep you posted.

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