it’s satire Saturday but sadly this isn’t satire.

apparently they haven’t heard that you have to take the #1 train – and ONLY that train – to get to Columbia. or they just don’t bother to tell people this when making an appointment. at least 10 people today have asked me, here on the east side of morningside park, how to get to a Columbia University address on morningside drive..

you pretty much can’t get there from here. does Columbia give a shit?

no. and I bet they’ll still give a black mark to all the people who showed up late because of their faulty directions.

is it too much to expect, that an ivy-league U get this simple thing done right?

Washington, Feb. 20, 2010 (INS). President Barack H. Obama today announced his appointment of Michael D. Brown to be the United States High Commissioner for Recovery in Haiti. Mr. Brown, who previously worked for FEMA, will leave tomorrow for Port au Prince with his second in command, Michael Chertoff, former FEMA director.

In choosing Mr. Brown, the President told the White House press corps, “Like Tim Geithner at Treasury, Mike Brown brings unrivaled hands-on experience to his new job, handling this Incident of International Significance.”

Then, taking a shot at the Village Voice, which called the President “George W. Obama” last month, he claimed that Mr. Brown was another example of change for America. “Mike Brown has assured me that his heart is no longer in Arabian horses but in serving his country to help repair the damage to devastated areas like Haiti. This is change America can believe in.”

In response to questions from incredulous reporters, the President cut short the press conference with this remark: “I can assure you that by the end of the month, you folks will be joining me in saying, ‘Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job!’”

George Held is the senior writer of satire on this blog and a very dear friend.

for today, the site has been renamed “get angry AT me”. watch the video if you want to know why.

happy birthday, george! i love you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6C5Kp5w5Xg

of course, this is not as good as making it to the party, but i guess it’ll last a bit longer…

Washington — Representative Anh Cao of Louisiana, the only Republican to vote in favor of the health-care measure passed last night by the lower house, was formally drummed out of the party on Sunday morning. The formal ceremony was led by House minority whip Eric Cantor (R–VA). Cantor’s whip is similar to those once used by first mates on the Royal Navy’s sailing ships and are commonly called “cat-o’-nine-tails.”

In attendance, and adding a pleasant note to the proceedings, was the American Nazi Party’s Drum-and-Bugle Corps, which played “Whip It,” written by Jerry Casale and Mark Mothersbaugh, better known as the singing duo, Devo. In the background, Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) could be heard chanting, “Kill the bill, kill the bill.” Bachmann has been shouting her mantra since Thursday when she organized a large protest on Capitol Hill.

Blue Dog Democrat Bill Foster of Illinois expressed concern that Bachmann might now be rabid. “She certainly was frothing at the mouth earlier. I’m afraid that she might associate my first name with the word ‘bill’ as it relates to health care. After all, she is known to bite. 

President Obama called on the Democratic caucus before the House vote and urged its members to vote for the bill. Apparently this strategy worked when coupled with the well-known fact that House majority whip, James Clyburn (D–SC), keeps a cat-o’-twelve-tails in his desk.

Key to passage of the bill was an amendment to prohibit federal funds from being used to pay for abortions. Representative Jack Kingston (R–GA) said, “Abortions are in violation of God’s law. That Great Satan, your president, has done his best to move abortions out of alleyways where they belong. I’ve dedicated my 17 years in Congress to keeping them there.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHpuq6rJK-A

New York — following six months of rumor, media mogul Rupert Murdoch and Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly announced wedding plans during a joint news conference. “We’re a natural fit,” said Murdoch. “And for those of you who seem somewhat aghast at this, there have been stranger bedfellows. Look at Barney Frank and his, um, ‘spouse,’ Fannie Mae executive Herb Moses.”

This will be Murdoch’s fourth marriage. His current wife, Wendi Deng, a director for MySpace in China, was less sanguine: “If Rupert wants to switch from Szechuan dining to street hotdogs, that’s his business, as long as he makes good on our pre-nup agreement.”

O’Reilly said he was “. . . floating on cloud-nine. Ever since I began working at Fox, I could sense a chemistry between Murdy and me, something beyond the fact that we both drench ourselves with Old Spice Body Spray. And, just to prove the point that old dogs can learn new tricks, on our wedding night we plan to switch from the ‘Swagger’ fragrance to ‘After Hours.’”

In an admission that his coming out registered more than a hint of irony with his viewers, O’Reilly said, “Over the last few months, I’ve conducted a dialogue with my inner being and come to recognize the plight of the—quote—‘other’ in American society, the minorities that make this country great. I’d even go to the White House and break bread with that colored boy, our President, as long as he doesn’t serve collard greens and chittlins.”

In the rear of the conference room, Sean Hannity, O’Reilly’s rival at Fox News, was seen in tears. “I thought Bill-O only had eyes for me. But I knew we were through when he refused to share his cherry wine cooler last week. And to add insult to injury, Rosie O’Donnell wants her leathers back.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glCH-W3dfgw

Hartford, Conn., Oct. 24, 2009 (INS). Hartford-American Life Assurance (HALF) today announced a new product whereby American citizens could insure the lives of the unborn. Company spokesperson Camille Frottage told the press that HALF will now insure the life of any fetus whose inception has been verified by a physician against being stillborn. “Those who criticized the insurance industry for securitizing life-insurance policies will be glad to hear about this new visionary plan to securitize life before birth.”

The policy will allow prospective parents to take out a HALF-Life policy for up to nine months before their fetus is born. If the baby is normal for the first four years of its life, the insurer will pay at maturity the face value of the policy, up to $100,000. But should the infant be stillborn or have a congenital defect or develop a condition like low IQ, the insured would forfeit all premiums paid up to the date of diagnosis or the child’s fourth birthday. Premiums start at $1,000 per month, depending on the amount of coverage.

“Buyers of this policy will have extra incentive to get the best prenatal and pediatric care,” Ms. Frottage said. “No one who has paid premiums will wish to forfeit them because of failure to provide the fetus or the new-born with good medical care.”

Critics of the new policy, however, argue that it amounts to placing a bet that a new life will avoid the increasing pitfalls for a healthy birth and early childhood in a society suffering from escalating rates of infant mortality and birth defects. Moreover, said Dr. Stephanie Stethos, chief of pediatrics at Hartford Downtown Hospital, “Big insurers would have an incentive to poison the well of pediatric care in order to assure their wager against a child’s reaching age four.”

Noted medical ethicist Victor Y. Nobel, Ph.D., points out that HALF and other big insurers are bundling these policies together in lots of a thousand and selling them to investors as securities. “These policies are being touted as the next big thing in the securities industry and will soon encourage a bubble that will threaten the economy, not to mention the lives of the very young.” On the other hand, he admitted, medical schools can expect a big run-up in the number of students choosing a specialty in pediatrics. “Naturally, new doctors in our country want to maximize their earning potential,” he explained.

Timothy A. Gartner, the embattled undersecretary of the Treasury, issued the following statement from Washington: “We at Treasury are in no position to quash any new financial instrument that might get our economy back on track. As with all other investment vehicles, our best advice to consumers is simply caveat emptor.”

Palm Springs, Oct. 2 (INS). PLAYBOY impresario Hugh Hefner has declared his support for David Letterman, the embattled host of The Late Show, who admitted to his national audience last night that he had “bedded” numerous (female) staff members over the years. His use of the word “bedded” shows, according to Hefner, that Letterman is a member of the PLAYBOY generation, men now in their 60’s or older who became addicted to pornography as boys and grew up, so to speak, always regarding any woman in their employ as “beddable.”

“I think Dave is brave for revealing his peccadilloes in the face of an extortion threat. After all, most powerful men of his generation consider bedding ladies at the office part of their job perks. Sometimes, they even marry them,” said Hefner, alluding to both his own predilection for marrying his Bunnies and Letterman’s marriage to a former staffer in March.

“Let’s face it—even in an age of Women’s Lib, most women still go to college for their MRS and wear come-on clothing at work in hope of seducing the boss. It’s only natural,” Hefner said, dodging a rotten tomato thrown by one of the lady reporters at his press conference.

Letty Forbush, spokesperson for NOW, decried Hefner’s male chauvinism and asserted that he and Letterman have “an outdated, predatory, narcissistic view of male-female relationships.” She added, “These boys are no better than Roman Polanski, except that they haven’t yet been outed for having sex with jail bait,” or using drugs as an aid to seduction. “Personally,” Forbush said, “I’d have to be on chloroform to have sex with any of those old duffers.”

Washington (INS). In an exclusive INS interview President Obama explained his strategy on health-care reform as indebted to the boxer Mohammed Ali, an early boyhood hero. “My debt to Ali is threefold,” said the President. “First I took an Arabic middle name, Hussein. Second, I use the rope-a-dope. And third, I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.”

 For the first time Mr. Obama revealed that his middle name was not given by his parents but self-selected when the former Cassius Clay took the name Mohammed Ali. “If I’d been old enough, I’d probably have been the minister of education for the Black Panthers,” said the President.

As for the rope-a-dope, Ali’s strategy of leaning on the ropes and dodging an opponent’s punches till he tired, dropped his arms, and offered a KO target, Mr. Obama said he’s just leaning on the ropes while Republicans like Sen. Charles Grassley (R-IA) and Blue Dog Democrats like Rahm Emanuel flail around trying to knock down a public option for health-care reform. “As soon as those dudes run out of gas, pow!—right in the kisser! They go down for the count and I pass my reform bill.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbu1ZKvDRPg

Likewise, Mr. Obama says, he is floating like a butterfly above the partisan battle over reform. But as soon as he has distracted them with his beauty, “Zap!—I’ll sting them like a bee and send them howling to jump into the Potomac, and I can pass the rest of my agenda.”

Asked about other role models, the President said that he admired the cool wardrobe of hoopster Walt Frazier. “But you know Michelle—she wants me to look like the fools she went to college with at Princeton, so I wear all these dark suits and rep neckties. But after I’m out of office, watch out, Clyde!”

San Francisco, August 28, 2009 (INS). Reuters reports that before his untimely death Michael Jackson “aimed to direct [a] movie about foster children.” Apparently Mr. Jackson wanted to reclaim his childhood lost onstage with The Jackson Five and at the home of his abusive father, Joe Jackson. [The senior Jackson is known as “Shod” Joe Jackson to avoid confusion with “Shoeless” Joe Jackson of the “Black Sox,” who were actually White Sox. –Ed.]     

While most responses to the late entertainer’s plan have been positive, INS has learned of some dissent on this matter. A prime detractor has been the support group Victims of Child Abuse Lobby (VOCAL), whose leadership has vowed to picket the film shoot should any of Michael Jackson’s collaborators try to follow through on the project, which is tentatively titled “The Ungloved Hand.”

According to VOCAL spokesman Russell R. Russell, “This would have been a set-up for a known pedophile to get his hands on child actors and extras while he ‘directed’ them. We at VOCAL must intervene.”

Tony Bambino, press agent for the National Man-Boy Love Association (NAMBLA), countered that “America owes its greatness to free enterprise. Let no boy be off limits to any enterprising gay man.” He then threw handfuls of rose petals at the assembled reporters.

Go online at INS.com to vote in our poll on the question “Should the Jackson Five Fingers go ungloved or unloved?”

Another poll question as we commemorate another anniversary of 9/11 is: “Who should be in charge of how 9/11 is memorialized—surviving relatives of the victims, state and city government, or real-estate interests?”

Pearl, Miss., August 29, 2009 (INS). Mandi Jackson, a Pearl cheerleader, has sued the local school district after her coach allegedly forced her to turn over her Facebook log-in information. The coach then shared Ms. Jackson’s personal messages with the cheerleading staff and school administrators.

A search of Ms. Jackson’s personal messages revealed her to be showing her dirty underwear on the Net. Not only are her messages laced with profanity but they depict her cheerleading coach and rivals to be dimwitted even by Pearl, Miss., standards.

In one message leaked to INS by a cheerleading staffer, Ms. Jackson calls her coach “a dirty old b—h” who “made eyes at me in the f—–g shower.” In another message she threatened the vice-principal, who gave Ms. Jackson 40 hours of detention for her bad mouth: “If he ain’t careful, my boyfriend [Festus “Buddy” Manning] is gonna flatten him like asphalt in the f—–g parking lot.”

Clarence “Fob” Witherspoon, Mississippi commissioner of education, warned students and their parents to use caution on Facebook. “We are not as faceless as we might seem on Facebook, and when faced with rebellious students, us educators will face up to our responsibilities and out their personal messages—at least as long as the Patriot Act permits it.”